One Year Later | Banana Republic


Banana Republic’s “What Moves Us” campaign challenges us to ask what “moves” us physically or emotionally, which I easily answered the first time around when talking about how I wear clothes that make me feel good. However in an effort to be more transparent, I think I need to open up more on an emotional level with this second round post…

What I’m writing here is tough for me to put out there, even though a year has gone by and I still haven’t 100% accepted the outcome. If I’m being honest with myself; maybe this will be the last effort that I need to close this chapter on my life. We’ll see…

A year ago today my heart broke. Not in half; Not in quarters; but in a million shattered pieces. I felt as if I ran my heart through a paper shredder. My boyfriend broke up with me completely out of the blue and still this to a year later. More importantly, he has not been able to give me a genuine, concrete reason for why he did; and I hate myself for craving this answer of “why”.

If you think you’ve been broken up with before, then consider living in a numb and complete state of denial for a year. Never did I ever see myself as someone to break down crying while in line to check out at H&M hearing a song from a movie we watched together when we first started dating, and yet there I was. Talk about an all time low.

Don’t get me wrong, I did everything both positive & negative to try to get over this breakup – I sought emotional support from friends or a therapist, I went on dates with other guys;  I even admit, I aggressively sent my ex drunk texts. I fluctuated through moments of feeling better than him to those of self doubt feeling like I can’t go on without him.

At the end of the day, I was constantly putting my true emotions aside. I struggled with the every day feelings of, do I like him fully knowing I should get over him. Ultimately, it didn’t work out and I knew I needed to overcome this, but I didn’t realize the struggle a year out that this would still plague me.

I might have mentally gotten over the fact our relationship is over. I’ve come to terms with the fact I will most likely never get the closure that I so craved. What I still struggle with is that. My ex boyfriend was/is an incredible person, and when we were together he made me want to be a better version of myself. When he was no longer in my life, I missed the feeling he gave me. Mentally I thought his presence in my life was the ticket to getting that feeling back.

If this taught me anything is that I now know, I just need to give myself a chance to let that person come into my life, and I finally feel ready to do so. I’m stronger these days, more empowered and more aware of the type of relationship I want & most importantly deserve.

For too long, I gave myself a hard time for feeling the emotional drain that happens post-break up. But I now know how I can grow not only as a person but with my relationships going forward as well. Sometimes you need to find your own answer to the problem, and more often than not it’s about looking within yourself for the strength and you’ll end up appreciating yourself in the process, both good & bad. You’ll grow from it.

If you want to know what moves me, it’s not letting the feel of playing the game take me away from participating in it all together. You can’t control how you’ll feel inside but you can control which direction you want your life to go. The saying goes, when a door closes a window opens and I guess I’m just waiting to find that window. So I’m biding my time and taking things slow because I know there are better people out there for me.

One year later I’m excited about a new chapter on the horizon for myself & my career. Right now, my blog is my boyfriend – my comfort zone & passion. If a guy comes along on the way, great but it’s not my focus at the moment. What’s important for myself to realize is that my blog is enough; My friends are enough; I am enough.

Disclaimer: This post is written to reassure anyone who has felt or experienced the same mental/emotional feelings that I’ve confessed that he/she is not alone. This is not a post to position my ex boyfriend in a negative light, as he is someone I’ve remained friends with and highly respect/admire with all my heart. 

Our relationship provided us with what was destined for our souls; to experience feelings we’ve never felt, to think about things we’ve never imagined, and most importantly to grow from circumstances we’ll learn to appreciate.